Good Chef Bad Chef
by AquiXia
Summary: What if Terra and Aqua from decided to host a cooking show? What would happen Aqua, a great chef, and Terra, a culinary disaster, paired up and showed the audience how they would prepare a meal? Read more to find out the result of this delicious-and slighty unusual match-up!
1. Episode 1

**Disclaimer: I ain't own no Kingdom Hearts. **

**Special thanks: My lovely beta xWhisperxInxThexRain, and her amazing beta skills. **

* * *

"Hello folks! I'm Terra! I'm the bad chef!"

"And I'm Aqua! The good one!"

"Welcome to Good Chef Bad Chef!" they yelled in unison.

"Today, I'll be making dessert while Aqua... err... Will be making food for the rabbits in your garden."  
Aqua rolled her eyes, then continued.

"Today, I'm making Mexican Chicken Stew with quiona and beans as your amazing dinner!"

"And I'm preparing Caramel Panna cota for you dessert!" Terra shouted out. Aqua sighed.

"Ladies first," said Aqua and pushed Terra, who stuck his tongue out at her and made a face, to the side so whole the space for left for her.

"For today's recipe we need olive oil, an onion, red peppers, chipotle paste, tomatoes, quiona, chicken stock cubes, drained pinto beans, a bunch of coriander, lime and sugar."

She got the oil bottle in her hands and poured an almost invisible amount in the pan. "Sweetie can you slice the onion and chop the peppers while I cut the chicken breats?"

"Yes, _dear_," Terra said in an equally sugar-sweet tone. With that she slid the cutting mat to the edge of the counter. Terra artistically twirled a knife in the air and started chopping the peppers. Aqua started cutting the chicken breasts carefully yet quickly with kitchen scissors. "What I love most about this meal, is that it is delicious, nutritious and only 336 calories! Isn't it awesome?"

"Heh heh, yeah, keep eating like that, and you'll look great in no time, Aqua," said Terra, who began to falter at the end as Aqua brandished her cooking knife at him.

"And what is THAT, supposed to mean?" Aqua asked, with the sharp blade pointed threateningly.  
"Er, uh.. N-nothing, I meant to say that, uh, I must admit it, I do eat a lot of high calorie food but Aqua's low fat dishes help me maintain my energy for a day of Keyblade practice." Terra admitted and Aqua smiled and went back to work.

"Why thank you, Terra. Oh, I'm done." she smiled as Terra slid the chopped peppers and sliced onion back to her edge on a plate. Terra made a gulping motion and the camera and mimed wiping sweat off his brow. Aqua shed the ingredients in the deep frying pan and turned up the heat. "Remember, folks, if you use too much oil while frying, you won't only increase the calorie amount but you will ruin the taste, and trust me, this _genious_ over here tried it." she pointed Terra, who chuckled guiltily.

She started mixing them and Terra took a can of tomatoes out of the fridge behind them. "You can use fresh tomatoes, but canned ones are better for this meal, simply because of their creamy aroma, and the can that you can use to measure the water we'll add later on."

"After we fry the onion and two red peppers, we stir in three tablespoons of chipotle paste, which you can buy from any supermarket for a low price!"

"Or you could just steal them, you know, for an even better price: free," Terra said, looking at the cans pointedly.

"Terra! " Aqua chastised, looking at him disapprovingly."Don't encourage our viewers to be criminals!" Sighing, Aqua continued cooking, after adding two spoons, she hit the third one on the side of the pan rapidly to glance off the remainings into the pan.

Terra emptied the large can of juicy tomatoes in the frying mixture while Aqua kept stirring. She added the chicken in before Terra poured a can-full of water in the pan. For the next twenty mintues Aqua kept turning the chicken until it was finally cooked through, with plenty of "Is it done yet?"s from Terra, and the same amount of frustrated sighs from Aqua.

She then covered the pan and turned off the heat. She brought a large saucepan of water to boil with the stock cubes. She added the quinoa and cooked until it was tender, then added the beans at the last minute. Terra poured the lime juice in the saucepan, and Aqua mixed the chopped coriander then covered it to keep warm.

For a final step she added a pinch of sugar in the chicken and tomato mixture and mixed them using a wooden spoon. Aqua poured the chicken in a plate, then added the mixture in the saucepan on top. "Hmm... Low fat, nutritious, delicious Mexican Chicken Stew." she said and took a bite out of the chicken she was holding in her hand. "Remember you can always add some yogurt for serving!" she said and left a groaking Terra gazing at her while she was eating.

Terra sidled up to her and whispered pleadingly, "What about me..?" Aqua elbowed him in the ribs and pushed him towards the counter.

"We're still on camera, idiot! Don't think about your stomach at a time like this!"  
"B-but it's so hard...that chicken looks so good..." Terra began to drool just a little.

"Weren't you supposed to make something...?" Aqua hinted threateningly, miming: _If you don't cook, you get nothing. _Terra gulped and turned toward the camera, smiling nervously.

"For my dessert today, what we need are sugar, thickened cream, milk, vanilla bean and soaked gelatine leaves."

"Don't let the milk and vanilla fool you, this dessert has more calories than the books on my shelf," Aqua added. Terra rolled his eyes in response.

"Anyway, since according to our cameraman," the cameraman turned the camera to show a grinning face of Ventus, "we don't have much time left, so we will start away."

"We start by combining sugar with a little water." he repeated the recipe inside his head. He poured water on the sugar in a heavy based pan. "When we bring the mixture to 173 degrees Celcius, it'll turn into caramel." he shoved a thermometer in the pan.

"Terra, what the hell are you doing?" asked Aqua.

"Damn it! 47 degrees... Gotta wait."

* * *

_~30 seconds later~_

* * *

"GAH I CAN'T WAIT ANYMORE!" Terra screamed and summoned his Keyblade.

"Terra wha-?"

"FIRE!" Terra yelled casting a Mega Flare, causing vision lost from the smoke for a few minutes.  
"TERRA, STOP!" Aqua screeched helplessly, as the kitchen was consumed in a giant flame. When the smoke was cleared, it revealed the kitchen covered in black, and angry Aqua with no sign of blue left except for her eyes, and Terra with the pan in his hands. "Oh, our caramel is ready!" he exclaimed happily. Aqua gave him her best death glare.. Oh, if only looks could kill...

He poured the mixture into four moulds then took out another pan from out of nowhere. He combined the rest of the sugar and beans with cream. After a minute of normal cooking under Aqua's inspection, he added the leaves. Aqua, not allowing Terra, poured the new mixture on the other one in the moulds.

"Put it in the fridge over the night, and it'll be ready," said Terra brightly.

"We already had ours in the fridge but someone," she pointed Terra once again, "blew up the kitchen." she said sarcastically. Terra chuckled nervously.

Aqua shook her head and revealed half of her bright face after getting rid of some of the blackness. "Anyway, we hope you enjoyed today's show! And if you want to make caramel, do NOT use Mega Flare, normal cooking style and patience is enough." she grinned and waved at the camera. "See everyone the next episode!"

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**A/N: Did you guys ever heard of the show Good Chef Bad Chef? It IS a real show! But it is not exactly like this... And it will keep changing in the upcoming chapters!  
**

**I hope everyone enjoyed it. Reviews are always welcomed! Next chapter will be added next week! Stay tuned. **


	2. Episode 2

**Disclaimer: Kingdom own no I Hearts ain't. **

**Special thanks: My adorable beta xWhisperxInxThexRain, and her amazing beta skills.**

* * *

"Hello folks! I'm Terra! I'm the bad chef!"

"And I'm Aqua! The good one!"

"Welcome to Good Chef Bad Chef!" they yelled in unison.

"Today, I'll be making your dessert, while Terra will be cooking the dinner for meat-freak wolves." Aqua said, grimacing at the thought of all the fat and grease that would be involved.

Terra sighed. "But before we start, we would like to introduce our special guest, here she comes!"  
"Hello everyone," Namine entered shyly.

"She'll be helping us today, and she will also taste the food in the end, so let us begin!"

"I'll make Big Juicy T-Bone Steak, it'll be big, juicy and tasty unlike what Aqua made last episode!" Aqua shot him a glare and mimed smacking him over the head with a pan.

"And I'll prepare Coconut and Mango Pudding, which has almost less calories than Terra's IQ level!"  
Terra mimicked weird faces from behind her to the camera which made Namine chuckle behind her hand.

"Let's start with our big steaks, yummy!" Terra let out in a high pitched voice full of excitement.  
"We need a rather large T-bone steak, sea salt flakes, black pepper, lemon wedges, peas, brocolli, asparagus, beans and extra-" he started chuckling. As Aqua and Namine both gave him confused looks, his chuckles turned into hysteric laughs.

"Umm, Terra?" Aqua asked nervously. Terra had a hand over his stomach which was now aching from his laughs as he sloppily handed Aqua a piece of paper.

Aqua studied the paper. "Peas, brocolli, asparagus, beans, extra-virgin olive oil. What's so funny about that?"

Terra wiped a tear from his eye with his finger, "The oil... Is a virgin!" he kept laughing his head off.

"So are you," Aqua stated sarcastically.

_¬Silence¬ _

"Anyway," Terra continued in a serious voice. "We removed the steak from the fridge half an hour ago, and Aqua pre-heated the grill to high, and don't worry if you don't have a grill or barbecue, you can always heat your oven to 200 degrees-"

"You need to pre-heat it, not set it on fire like someone did before," she interjected, tilting her head towards Terra. Namine chuckled again, a little louder this time.

"We bathe our juicy steak with the oil, gently as possible, it's the oil's first time, after all," he said, chuckling wryly at his own joke, as Aqua gave a little snorted in disgust; then he harshly threw the steak into a bowl filled with olive oil. After that he took the steak out with his hands, and smashed it into a plate filled with salt and pepper. Aqua and Namine watched shocked.

Terra shoved the meat, or whatever was left, on the grill. "Terra what are you-?"

"I'm normal!" he roared as his eye twitched.  
"Yea, sure, alright," Aqua mumbled. Terra turned the half-burnt steak to cook the other side. Then, without bothering to put a plate under, he threw it into Aqua's sparkly clean oven, and shut the hatch behind it. He turned to Aqua.

"Did you SAY SOMETHING?"

Aqua yelped and stepped back. "No,"

Terra gave her the '_rape face'_. "Rape time!" he laughed maniacly, but it was cut in half becuse he fell face-first on the ground stunned. Namine stood behind him with a pan in her hand.

"Serves you well!" she said proudly; she twirled the pan in her hand, glancing at it with admiration."Boy this pan is good, I should get one too!"

Aqua wiped the sweat on her forehead with her hand, "Phew, thanks Namine, for a second there I thought he would steal my virginity!" The audience gasped. "Er, I-I mean my agility!Y- Yea my agility!"

Namine nodded, "Alright..." as Terra gave a low groan in the background and held the back of his head tightly.

"N-Namine, w-why?" he said as his toes curled in pain and tears pricked his eyes.

"Be a man! You have food to cook!" An angry and harassed Aqua pulled him onto his feet and shoved him towards the counter.

"Shouldn't _I _ be the one saying that to y-... Er, haha, I love your hair today Aqua, haha...ha.." Terra backtracked, as Aqua gave him a terrifying death glare halfway through his sentence. Terra decided to shut up and be serious, clearing his throat, he continued.

"Ok before this gets any more awkward, I already have a steak cooked here, after 10 minutes in the oven, we put it on the grill and cooked it for another 15 minutes."

"Here's a tip, because of the bone, the meat won't cook evenly, so you just need to use your thumb and finger to test for doneness," Namine smiled at the crowd, surprising them slightly, they had thought Namine might be too shy to interact with them.

Aqua pushed the steak in the plate towards the camera, then covered it loosely with foil. She poured a bit more "virgin" olive oil, added salt and pepper, then lemon wedges. "Ready to serve," she exclaimed happily. "Bon apetite,"

"Now with the dessert," Namine said as Terra started getting up.

"Who hit me?"

"Namine."

Terra's eyes widened and cheeks turned pink, and he hissed ad loudly as his bruised man-ego would allow," We never talk of this."

The girls laughed heartily, Namine not hiding behind her hand for once.

"Today's dessert is a very easy one which you can make with your children easily. So we decided to have a competition. Namine versus Terra. I'll tell the ingredients, and they need to find them before their timer runs out, whoever finishes the first wins,"

Terra chuckled, and boasted, "I'm a proffesional chef, a teen can never beat me,"

Aqua rolled her eyes, and asked, "Ready?"

Namine and Terra both nodded, standing behind a mixer.

"Go!"

Aqua took a deep breath, "Coconut milk!"

Namine found the coconut milk in a open can, while Terra just poured a random white jiuce in the mixer.

"Mango flesh!"

Namine found it easily once again, in a cup. Terra was struggling, then found another random jar with a orange-ish jelly.

"Honey syrup!"

None had hard time with the honey, since Ven was eating Terra's.

"Lime juice!"

Namine found the lime, and squeezed it's juice into the mixture. Terra wasn't bothered at all with that and squeezed an orange, causing Aqua to facepalm.

"Mango!"

Namine found the fleshless mango and dropped it in her bowl. Terra took a huge bite out of his, and leaned against the counter leisurely.

"Lime!"

The blonde girl threw the lime in the mixer with ease, while Terra decided to ignore it and to not to make it sour.

"Now mix them!"

They both pressed the buttons on their blenders, Namine at medium speed, Terra at high. Half of Terra's Mixture spit over Aqua who clenched her jaw, and fumed in quiet rage. Terra sweat-dropped and backed up, holding his hands up in a "please-don't-hurt-me-I-didn't-mean-to-ruin-your-expensive-outfit-please-forgive-me" fashion.

"Alright, pour them into four molds now," Aqua demanded, wiping off the sticky liquid. Terra's somehow filled up seven molds, (Aqua facepalmed while Terra smiled guiltily) and Namine's barely fitted three. "Now we put them in the fridge and wait for six hours, then we can eat them. I already made some last night, so," she said as she went to the fridge and took three moulds. She gave one to Namine, and one to Terra. "Bon apetite!"

Namine took a spoonful in her mouth, while Terra and Aqua watched her impatiently. "So?" Aqua asked nervously.

Namine smiled, "Amazing,"

"Yay!" Aqua jumped while Terra rolled his eyes. Then he checked the clock on the wall.

"Ouch, look at the clock, we have to go,"

"Oh well, that means it's time to thank Namine, thank you Namine for joining us today!" Aqua grinned.

"You're welcome guys, you can always call me when you need someone, see everyone later," she waved at the audience and left.

"It is the end of another Good Chef Bad Chef, folks, see you in the next episode!"

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**Everyone enjoyed this chapter? Or should I say, _episode_? And yeah, both Aqua and Terra are virgins, but the oil /now/ is not. And get used to Terra getting beaten up by almost every single female guest star. Next chapter's guest (and a teaser): _The pink haired beauty entered the studio. The tight clothes fitted nicely on the warrior's body, and showed off the amazing curves. _Can you guess the pinky star? I bet you can, if you can, don't forget to write it in your review. And if there's any specific guest you would like to see (must be either a Kingdom Hearts or a major Final Fantasy character), just comment it below, or PM me. Next chapter up next week, so stay tuned until the next episode.  
**


	3. Episode 3

**Disclaimer: I just disowned Kingdom Hearts, hmph.**

**Special thanks: My lovely beta xWhisperxInxThexRain, and her amazing beta skills.**

* * *

"Hello folks! I'm Terra! I'm the bad chef!"

"And I'm Aqua! The good one!"

"Welcome to Good Chef Bad Chef!" they yelled in unison.

"Today, I'll be making dessert while Aqua will prepare your food with even less calories less than the number of the guys she dated."

Aqua rolled her eyes, "That's mature of you, Terra. Now we would like to introduce our guest of the week! She stars in her own video game!"

The pink haired beauty entered the studio. The tight clothes fitted nicely on the warrior's body, and showed off the amazing curves. Terra sighed, "Marluxia, for the last time, Lightning is today's guest, not you."

Marluxia sighed in grief. "Fine, I'll leave..."

Then the real Lightning entered. "I don't have much time, make it quick."

Terra grinned at her. "You're pretty!"

Aqua glared daggers at him, but Lightning didn't respond. "Are we going to start or what?"

Aqua hesitated for a second, then smiled. "Alright, we've got our _Quick and Easy _day, so I'll make Egg Wraps everyone! Yup, Egg Wraps; they are very healthy, and way lower than Terra's dessert in calories!"

She stayed behind the cooker. "As usual, we heat the pan up, and whisk our eggs with pepper and mirin, cooking both sides." she did so. Lightning watched in boredom, while Terra gazed at her –abooyahss- amazed. Thank the Lords Aqua didn't notice.

"We then lay our bread out and scrape it with a tablespoon of soft goats' cheese, and top the egg. You can add cucumber, finely chopped coriander leaves and stems, baby spinach, spring onions and tamari, as much as you want, depending on your taste. I added extra spinach and cucumber to this, since cucumber absorbs the additional fat in the egg." she wrapped up the Mountain Bread. "Yummy!"

"Great, can I leave now? I have a sister to save," Lightning said in a cold voice.

"Not before Terra's dessert Lightning," insisted Aqua. Lightning sighed in response. "Don't worry, it'll be quick, right?" she shot another glare to Terra, who grinned widely.

"Sure. Let's see... Lightning do you cook often?"

"I am a warrior; trying to save my sister's life who turned into a crystal, with the help of her idiot fiance, a black guy with a chick in his hair, a hyper girl who I want to stab for not staying in one place sometimes, and a little cry baby who keeps complaining about his father not loving him; by standing up against a whole world."

"So... Is that a yes?"

Lightning and Aqua groaned in unison; "Idiot."

"Anyway, according to the card Aqua wrote for me," he took out a pink card and started reading; "Last night was amazing Terra, you were like a lion. Roar," he looked at the card with one eyebrow raised, and Aqua's face flushed white. "Ouch, wrong card," he pulled out another card, "Oh, here; I am preparing Snow Eggs, wait, Snow Eggs? Is it supposed to be something like snow angels?"

"Get on with it Terra!" yelled Ventus. Terra groaned.

"Gah, fine. So Lightning," he winked at Lightning, "do you like Snow Eggs?"

Lightning drew her weapon. "Don't even mention that name!" she barked at Terra. "That _beep _idiot goes off saying he'll save my sister's life! Bull _beep_! Then he says he will get married to her! I'm going to tear off his _beep _and shove them right up his _beep_! _Beep_!"

Aqua took a mental note; '_Note to self; Lightning is _not _the best guest to invite.' _

"Alright... Since you don't want... _That White Thing _Eggs, Chocolate Truffles?"

Lightning groaned. "Just do it already!"

Terra was taken aback. "Alright... Er..."

"Terra is taking a bit long, so, we have our saucepan, with the warm cream in it. We added half a normal packet of dark chocolate." she said stirring the combination. Terra stood silent, gazing at Lightning's body, jaw dropped slightly.

"Lightning, there is a container in the fridge with the mixture we prepared before, could you please?" she said in a sweet tone.

Lightning, without saying anything walked over the fridge. She opened the door, "Where is it?"

"In the bottom shelf," answered Aqua. Lightning bent over to find it. Terra's eyes started sparkling as he walked over to Lightning.

"Hello, baby, you free tonight?"

Lightning's eyes turned into a bright red. An 'uh oh,' came from Aqua as the pinkette drew her weapon, and charged at Terra. "I HATE MEN!" Not really knowing what hit him, Terra flew to the wall, and fell with on his _precious _with a loud crush.

"Ouch," Aqua's her eyelid covered her eye. "Anyway," she grinned at the camera, "thanks," she smiled at Lightning who handed her the container she had asked for. Lightning showed the slightest bit of amusement.

Aqua took out a plate, and rolled the now cold mixture into small balls. "It is still a bit soft, so we can roll them in cocoa. Then refrigerate. We have ours ready in the fridge." The blunette walked over to the fridge, and took out a plate full of chocolate covered little balls. "Hey Terra, want one?"

After taking a "Mom? Is that you?" as a reply, she threw one at him. How unfortunate, the hard dessert hit him right in the eye.

"Ups," Aqua said with a guilty smile, "sorry about that."

Lightning took another ball from the plate, "Here, let me do it," she said and threw it right at the poor brunet. This one; thrown with Lightning's rage, hit him in the crotch. Terra gasped in pain.

"We... are... *gasp* never... ever... *gasp* inviting... a female... *gasp* guest... ever... again!"

Aqua chuckled. "Alright... Hehe..."

Lightning took a bite out of the truffle. "Nice," she smiled, making the viewers gasp.

"Ok... Lightning just smiled... Well, I guess the effect is _that_ good on people..." murmured Aqua. "Well, everyone, see you in the next episode," she gave a quick glance at Terra. "if he can recover..."

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**A/N: So, did everyone like the chap? I enjoyed writing it. Poor Terra, getting tortured by young ladies. By the way, I'm about to start Final Fantasy XIII-2 on my Ps3, and I'm also raising money to but a foal. Yup, a foal, you know, a baby horse? Wish me luck for my mother won't let me buy it, and enjoy!**


	4. Episode 4 (error)

**Disclaimer: One day I own, one day I don't, *sigh* this is Kingdom Hearts!**

**Special thanks: ****My amazing beta xWhisperxInxThexRain, and her amazing beta skills.**

* * *

"Hello folks! I'm Terra! I'm the bad chef!"

"And I'm Aqua! The good one!"

"Welcome to Good Chef Bad Chef!" they yelled in unison.

Terra, now in a wheelchair pushed by Aqua grinned to show his mouth lacking of teeth.

"Today I'll be making everything for Terra has around twenty-four bones broken, thanks Lightning," Aqua waved at the camera. "So, I invited a woman that you all know for today, a girl who lives with twelve men, and manages to handle them, please welcome, our amazing Larxene!"

Larxene entered the studio waving at the audience. "Hello everyone! Hey Aqua, thanks for inviting," she winked.

"No problem, Larx," said Aqua. "Shall we begin?" Larxene and Terra nodded. "Alright, we start with our healthy dinner, Za'atar, it is hot, and it is spicy!" she exclaimed.

"Avatar isn't hot, girl, just sayin'," said Larxene. "Hey, can I ride Terra?" she asked.

Terra's jaw dropped, "Yes yes yes yes yes... Yes!" Aqua bit her lower lip, then nodded, "Sure."

Larxene took hold of the handles of the wheelchair and started pushing Terra around. It was fun at first but as she went faster Terra felt like throwing up.

"So, Za'atar is a spicy souce you can use with every type of meet you cook, especially Mexican style. We only need to mix a few ingredients," she stood behind a large bowl, "two tablespoons of marjoram and oregano, a quarter cup of sumac, one tablespoon of seasame seeds, and half a cup natural yoghurt," she mixed them all in the bowl, then added a pinch of salt. "Ready to serve," she smiled.

Meanwhile, Larxene was 'riding' the poor Terra at an extreme speed, and then suddenly let go of the chair 'for fun'. "THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT BY YOU RIDING MEEEEEEEEEE-" Larxene giggled and Terra ended up crashing into the cameraman, Aqua screamed and the camera went static.

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**A/N: Short chapter, eh? Well, was meant to be, for this chapter is an 'error' chap. Lol sorry Terra for torturing you, but hey, everyone, we have a very VERY special guest next week, so stay tuned. With love.~ **


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